Who Buys These Things?

Sunday, January 22 is the 39th anniversary of Roe versus Wade, and I’ll be decorating my home with a festive birth control and abortion mobile. What can I say? I’m a traditionalist.

Speaking of contraception, let’s say you’ve got some unused birth control pills lying around. Do you:
a) Throw them in the garbage?
b) Post them on Freecycle?
c) Turn them into jewelry?

You’ll never forget to take your pills when you store them in this decorated Hello Kitty birth control pill case.

Looking for a fool-proof method of contraception? Consider this vintage French birth control device:

I can’t say that I’ve ever thought about hanging a picture of a menstrual extractor on my living room wall (or, um, anywhere). But I’m giving it serious consideration, after finding artist Heather Ault’s stunning posters documenting contraceptive and abortion options from around the world at 4000yearsforchoice.com. Her prints are intriguing, informative, and graphic (in a good way) and you can buy them on Etsy.

Meet Swario, Mario and Luigi’s flamboyant cousin. Swario enjoys Jack Russell Terriers, working out at the gym, and wrestling with the strange creatures that inhabit the sewers beneath Christopher Street.

Airbrushed Star Trek Enterprise toilet seat. (Insert your own “Number One” joke here.)

Nothing says luxury like a hand-carved leather toilet seat:

Don’t believe me? Just ask “The Happy Hemptress”, shown here proudly displaying her classy rose-and-pot-leaf themed seat:

Just look at that big grin! That toilet seat sure is making her happy! Just think how much happier you would be if you were greeted by that every time nature called.

But maybe you’re aiming (heh) for something more upscale? Perhaps a seat emblazoned with a famous designer logo is more your style:

Or an Amy Winehouse tribute toilet seat that’s both “bejeweled and shellacked” (much like its namesake!)

I’m actually quite fond of this toilet seat featuring gay pulp paperback covers — only I fear I’d be consumed trying to read them all and forget why I went in there in the first place:

This next one poses an interesting metaphysical dilemma: If said “dump” is in progress, then why is the lid down? And if the lid is up and the sign thus obscured, is the aforementioned activity actually happening? Wouldn’t this make more sense as a sign on the door?

Need to mask embarrassing bathroom odors? Urine luck! “Bring the industrial chemical freshness of a public restroom right to your home” with the Urinal Cake candle.

So apparently the Big Guy Upstairs is NOT a member of Steeler Nation. Yinzers everywhere wept over last night’s swift, stunning defeat, while (Bronchites? Broncoans? What do Denver fans call themselves, anyway?) got down on their knees and prayed to their new savior.

Well, fine. You can have your “Mile High Messiah” and your media attention and your trendy new verb that, frankly, sounds like it could be a gay sex act.* We’ll keep our 6 rings and our heads held high, and pack away our Terrible Towels until next season.

*Am I the only person who thinks this? A guy in tight pants gets down on one knee in the midst of a bunch of other guys in tight pants, while the voyeuristic crowd goes wild… Dan Savage, are you listening?

Hornady Zombie Max ammunition — at only $17.09 for a box of 20 rounds, that’s less than $0.86 per zombie!

“Just look in the pig’s rear end to see the crystal clear image of “Our Next President”!” (What is it about Rick Santorum and anal cavities?)

“Vintage Novelty Pistol Hairdryer” gives a whole new meaning to “blow your brains out”.