Who Buys These Things?

Stained Glass Herbal Jamaican Penis Art.

I’ve always had mixed feelings about ebay listings that show the seller’s pet. Cats are especially notorious for wandering into the shot just as you snap the shutter:

On the one hand, I love animals and I’m happy to support my fellow pet-owners. On the other hand, there’s no telling whether Fluffy used her litter box before walking all over that sweater I’m about to buy:

However, I draw the line at snarling raccoons.

This charming little rodent must qualify as a “pet” because he shows up in nearly all of this seller’s listings. There he is, wagging his tongue, enjoying a snack, even trying out the silverware.

I stumbled across this oh-so-cleverly packaged t-shirt on eBay. A quick web search yields no information about the “Sears Customer Experience Challenge” — though I suspect the logo tells me everything I need to know. (“And the top prize for screwing the most customers goes to…”)

Step aside, Herbie — there’s a new Love Bug in town. The Gene Simmons VW beetle, formerly a radio station promo car, is yours for a mere $10,000.

I’m not sure what’s better: the fact that a pistol-shaped shifter knob exists, or the number of reviewers who complained because you don’t change gears by pulling the trigger.

French fry adapter for a vehicle’s cup holder: “This accessory will hold French fry containers of each size that are used by most fast food chains.”

Hand-painted Skrillex & deadmau5 shoes. Instead of “click-click-click”, these high heels go “WHOMP!-WHOMP!-WHOMP!” when you walk.

Best seat in the house? Or just the sparkliest one? At $21,000, the Swarovski crytal-encrusted “Money Chair” lives up to its name.

Ferrari 360 Daytona office chair: Great for pretending you’re a race car driver while stuck in your cube.

“I don’t know which upholstery I like best. Can’t I just have them all?”

Rock ‘n roll.

“Taps of your choice can be added to give a kooky vibe” — in case a sofa made out of an old bathtub isn’t kooky enough for you.

A seat only Oscar the Grouch could love.

Everyone knows that Honey Badger don’t give a sh!t. Now your wardrobe can show everyone that you don’t give a sh!t, either:

From the first moment you put on the Honey Badger hoodie, you can feel all your fears slipping away. No longer will you worry about fitting in with rigid societal norms! You want to eat a live cobra for dinner? Do it! Who cares what your neighbors think? Not you!

And if you want to rock a Honey Badger tail with glittery spandex pants, well, you go right ahead.

I think these “Honey Badger flats” might technically be cheetahs, but whatevs. I don’t really care what kind of animal they are, and neither should you.