Who Buys These Things?

Archive for the 'Sports' Category

So long, Hines Ward

In case you haven’t heard, #86 has been eighty-sixed. Yesterday, the Steelers announced they will release Hines Ward, and predictably, Steeler Nation has gone into collective mourning.

Ward posted a fond farewell on his Facebook page, saying “I will always bleed black and gold.”

Now would be the perfect time to stock up on Ward memorabilia. Don’t have a stack of Benjamins to drop on an autographed jersey? Here are some less-expensive ways to remember the Super Bowl XL MVP and winner of “Dancing With The Stars”.


Handmade Hines Ward wooden figure on Etsy


Crocheted Hines Ward doll w/ removable helmet (also on Etsy)


Ceramic Hines Ward rock head, “with a flat spot on his head to hold your remote.”


Guns Don’t Kill People t-shirt

No comments

Football trash talk

Football-shaped garbage can with motion-activated helmet visor is “so nice you’ll want to put it on the front porch.”


Well, maybe if you live in one of them fancy neighborhoods (like Crafton).


Yeah, I’d throw my used kleenex and food waste in there.

No comments

God’s Favorite Football Team

So apparently the Big Guy Upstairs is NOT a member of Steeler Nation. Yinzers everywhere wept over last night’s swift, stunning defeat, while (Bronchites? Broncoans? What do Denver fans call themselves, anyway?) got down on their knees and prayed to their new savior.

 

Well, fine. You can have your “Mile High Messiah” and your media attention and your trendy new verb that, frankly, sounds like it could be a gay sex act.* We’ll keep our 6 rings and our heads held high, and pack away our Terrible Towels until next season.

*Am I the only person who thinks this? A guy in tight pants gets down on one knee in the midst of a bunch of other guys in tight pants, while the voyeuristic crowd goes wild… Dan Savage, are you listening?

 

No comments

Super-tacky Bowl XLVI

Coming soon to a front yard in Pennsylvania: Michael Vick windchimes take on the Pittsburgh Steelers birdhouse in a battle for the championship.

No comments

Step 1: Play this record at top volume in the woods

No comments

Don’t sell it if you can’t spell it.

It’s Polamalu, people. P-O-L-A-M-A-L-U. Seriously, read the writing on the jerseys you’re trying to sell.

No comments