Who Buys These Things?

Because men already get enough of this exercise on their own.

Remember when you were young and scared of the dark, and your parents put a nightlight in your room to help you overcome your fears?

Michael Vick has been reinstated to the NFL. Next up: Roger Goodell is pelted with hundreds of chew toys on way to a press conference.

Meanwhile, dogs across the country take to the streets in protest.

If I ran a large company, I would have the IT Department install Clown LCD Ruffles on everyone’s workstation. Then everybody would know that I’m the kind of CEO who just wants her employees to be terrified-yet-productive happy.

Crochet ski masks for young children who want to grow up and become bank robbers.

Sure, you could impress guests by having an ultra-modern bathroom, complete with a fancy Japanese washlet (”the first intelligent, “aware of you” toilet that takes personal hygiene to a new level”!) and a $47,200 bathtub.

Or you could just crochet over everything, from the toilet to the liquid soap dispenser.

And don’t forget the all-important holiday-themed toilet paper cozies!

Foco Bird’s Nest Drink claims to be “a refreshing drink good for throat.” There’s no mention of its effect on the stomach, so you’re left to draw your own conclusions from the brief-yet-nauseating ingredients list: Bird’s Nest Flavoring, Water, Rock Sugar, White Fungus.

The creme de la creme (so to speak) is that the white fungus flavoring is artificial.

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And for god’s sake, make sure the safety guard is on.